Forgiveness in a Car.

I will be honest. I really believed it wasn't possible. I wanted it very much to be possible, but how in the world can a person recover from this? Not just hurt, but trauma. Not just sadness, but unrelenting torment. I liked the idea of forgiveness from a point of, I know God requires this of me... but disliked the idea because I (wrongly) believed that if I forgave it was like saying that person had the right to do that to me. And why should I forgive someone who sees no problem with what they did? They don't care how much that it terrorized me. Why? They don't deserve it. Worse, HOW God? How am I to forgive something so tragically terrible it will haunt me for the rest of my life?

How did I do it? How do I continue to do it. 

Let me just say, this is a continuous decision. I realized a little while ago that forgiveness was going to be something I would need to lay down at the foot of the cross each day. For a smaller thing, perhaps I could decide to let it go. I've had experience with forgiving for the small, but forgiving for something so mightily wounding--- never. 

I grieved. I grieved for everything I had lost. I grieved for the loss of feeling safe, for the physical trauma, for the mental instability which haunted me for weeks (and honestly, still sometimes feel). I couldn't escape it, so I let it consume me. Which sounds like a bad thing--and it wasn't at all easy or fun. I would never, ever want to do it again. But God stayed with me in that black time. That black darkness where I could not feel Him, or hear Him, or see Him. All I could see was the torment of grief and Satan circling me, reminding me. But I could see Him present through my past, and knew, Lord You ARE here. I grieved, I got angry. And God held me, like an emotional child who cannot understand. 

I accepted. It happened. There was no going back. There was no changing it. I am not the person I was before it, but that didn't have to be a negative thing. God...take it, make it something stronger in me. 

I could finally place myself somewhere forgiving. I think of that scripture where Jesus commands to pray for an enemy (Luke 6:28). There's only one way I could think of to forgive at first. It was to pray that God would open the heart of the person who hurt me, and help him to receive the love that will stop him from hurting others. I stopped praying for destruction, and started praying that God would bless by opening eyes and hearts. If he can't see how he had wronged me, help him to see how he wronged You Lord. I hope for the best, I pray for the best for him, which is a total change of behavior, a strong enough heart to confess guilt if not to an authority, than to someone, and to find the salvation of Jesus to put an end to sin and a beginning to a better path. 

WHY would I forgive? I know--- it seems bizarre and totally against human nature. It seems crazy. 

Why--

1. It makes me feel better. 

2- It removes me from being in the darkness and separation I feel from my Father. It removes me from the trauma and fear. It removes me from being weighed down by anguish. It sets me free. Forgiveness gives you a taste of what it's like to be God. God is happy to forgive. Love forgives, God forgives. He forgives us because it gives Him pleasure to do so. I want to be happy. I want to be freed of the snare of hate. 

3- When you don't forgive your life becomes dark. Forgiveness shines a bright light. A night light in a child's room gives them peace. Forgiveness gives peace. 

4- Forgiveness moves faith forward. I was cruising along, I thought I had my ducks in a row. I thought I had this whole faith thing figured out. I was prepared spiritually. And out of nowhere, WHAM! The car didn't just get a flat, it flipped. When the dust settled, there I was hanging upside down in my vehicle wondering what in the world just happened. Dazed, hurt, suffering. I will thank God that I was prepared spiritually, I had that seat belt on. I was badly hurt, but I was alive. I've been through it, but I am still here. I wondered for a while how am I to repair all of this? How can I get back up there on the road? I didn't know. Eventually, Forgiveness made it clear. Everything came into focus. 

I was able to put myself in a forgiving place and I saw God there beside me upside down too. And it was then I realized, He was in the driver's seat. He held onto me as the car flipped. He protected me from the full impact. He is everything. I was at least wise enough to let Him drive a few years ago. Thank God for that. He gently put it all back together....roadside assistance. He healed the bruises, the brokenness like a paramedic, but greater. 

Forgiveness allows me to see where God is. It reminds me that no, the road is never going to be free of debris, free of wreckless drivers, free of those with road rage. Forgiveness allows me to see that the promise is that He'll stay with me, hold me, take care of me, and help me to move forward again. 

Thank You God for bringing me through this. We have a long way to go, and I'm not perfect. But hey, You know that and me, better than anybody. Thank You God for staying with me. Thank You God for freeing me. Thank You God for delivering me. Thank You God for putting me back on the road and back on the journey. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for Your forgiveness. Thank You God, Thank You, for everything. Thank You God for drawing near.