Camp Applesauce, a love letter to my kids.

:) Dear Youth Group Kiddos,

SO as you know I didn't have a lot of time to write to all of you and put letters in the love box. Consider this my open letter to all of you.

This year at camp was interesting to say the least. The first year I got to go with my teens without Cecil, and it was definitely lots of trial and error. I wish I had more time to devote to you this year, but kitchen duties had me split in time and I ended up spending way less time with my kids than I ever have before. It was awful, and such a learning experience at the same time.

Mostly because I learned through the "Get in the Car" theme that culinary, if I wasn't sure before, is not my lane! LOL I did great. Food was great, on time, and we had barely a hiccup in the physical prep of meals. But it was agonizing having you (my kids) ask me to go be with you and worship with you, study with you, and not be able to do it because of my head cook commitments. I love to cook, I do. I am skilled. I have all the knowledge and lots more to run a successful kitchen... but it just is not the path God wants me on. And He taught me this year that I need to be with my ministry. It sucked feeling like I had forsaken you for a better part of camp.

But at the same time I feel like we really bonded this year because we missed each other. Terribly missed each other. I got a few moments with each of my kids privately and got caught up on what is going on with them in their lives. And I got a great bonding experience with Catt during a 8 hour ER visit :) Poor baby! It is funny to think that was the highlight of my camp experience this year because Andre, Cat and I got a lot of time to bond and talk and laugh. It was nice not to think of the kitchen and focus on ministering to her and encouraging her. She is such a special, beautiful girl.

Brooke and I had lots of time to cry and bond and rediscover that it's ok to reach out and trust. We share a life story that not many would want, but I know God is walking you through a wilderness and strengthening you, I can't wait to see your faith ignite. Brendan --we had lots of mother/son moments :D I appreciate that you trust me enough to seek my counsel. You are strong and growing in God's love. Stacy could make me smile even on my most stressful day with her optimism and strength. You can stand in the face of adversity and walk forward. Not all of us can say we can thrive in such circumstances, but you show us it's possible. Cody led his first public prayer, and did tremendously. He has found a respect for me, and I for him, and he's like my boy. He is so sweet. He did more than I can say to reach out and provide comfort to our kids my mini-encourager in the making! Tiffany, my sweet, bright light of happiness. You are so positive and a force of joy to be reckoned with. Seeing her each day and hearing her encourage me made the separation from my group easier (awful but easier). Audrey, my beautiful girl. She is my quiet proverbs woman. Winning others over with your gentle and quiet spirit, you are leading your peers by example. She walks the walk before talking the talk. Wow, blows me away!  Keith, the peace of our group. You smile and carry on and lighten the mood with humor and laughter. He keeps me grounded and focused and helps me not to take things too seriously, reminds me constantly God is with us always. Preston and Graham. --Preston you blew me away this year. You are thoughtful and focused and deep. You know what God wants and expects from you and you examine carefully before stepping forward. I wish more of us considered this before we jumped in over our heads. Graham you can speak plainly the life God has shown you, and I have so much respect for you. You are truly wise beyond years, even though I'm not sure you realize it. Together, your song brought us all to a closer understanding of how God is calling us to Him. It was beautiful and simple and eloquent at the same time. I could not be prouder. I kept looking at Jess going, those are MY kids!!!

You all have grown by leaps and bounds in the last year. I love serving you. I love you. I am so PROUD of all of you. You all make this choice to get in the trenches with the teens worth it. It isn't easy, but it's worth it. Jonathan and I are looking forward to the future with all of you. We can't wait to see what the next year brings.

Thank you Brooke, Catt, Preston, Graham, Keith, Stacy, Tiffany, Brendan, Audrey and Cody. You make me endlessly proud!

See ya on Wednesday!
Love,
Ashley

Forgiveness in a Car.

I will be honest. I really believed it wasn't possible. I wanted it very much to be possible, but how in the world can a person recover from this? Not just hurt, but trauma. Not just sadness, but unrelenting torment. I liked the idea of forgiveness from a point of, I know God requires this of me... but disliked the idea because I (wrongly) believed that if I forgave it was like saying that person had the right to do that to me. And why should I forgive someone who sees no problem with what they did? They don't care how much that it terrorized me. Why? They don't deserve it. Worse, HOW God? How am I to forgive something so tragically terrible it will haunt me for the rest of my life?

How did I do it? How do I continue to do it. 

Let me just say, this is a continuous decision. I realized a little while ago that forgiveness was going to be something I would need to lay down at the foot of the cross each day. For a smaller thing, perhaps I could decide to let it go. I've had experience with forgiving for the small, but forgiving for something so mightily wounding--- never. 

I grieved. I grieved for everything I had lost. I grieved for the loss of feeling safe, for the physical trauma, for the mental instability which haunted me for weeks (and honestly, still sometimes feel). I couldn't escape it, so I let it consume me. Which sounds like a bad thing--and it wasn't at all easy or fun. I would never, ever want to do it again. But God stayed with me in that black time. That black darkness where I could not feel Him, or hear Him, or see Him. All I could see was the torment of grief and Satan circling me, reminding me. But I could see Him present through my past, and knew, Lord You ARE here. I grieved, I got angry. And God held me, like an emotional child who cannot understand. 

I accepted. It happened. There was no going back. There was no changing it. I am not the person I was before it, but that didn't have to be a negative thing. God...take it, make it something stronger in me. 

I could finally place myself somewhere forgiving. I think of that scripture where Jesus commands to pray for an enemy (Luke 6:28). There's only one way I could think of to forgive at first. It was to pray that God would open the heart of the person who hurt me, and help him to receive the love that will stop him from hurting others. I stopped praying for destruction, and started praying that God would bless by opening eyes and hearts. If he can't see how he had wronged me, help him to see how he wronged You Lord. I hope for the best, I pray for the best for him, which is a total change of behavior, a strong enough heart to confess guilt if not to an authority, than to someone, and to find the salvation of Jesus to put an end to sin and a beginning to a better path. 

WHY would I forgive? I know--- it seems bizarre and totally against human nature. It seems crazy. 

Why--

1. It makes me feel better. 

2- It removes me from being in the darkness and separation I feel from my Father. It removes me from the trauma and fear. It removes me from being weighed down by anguish. It sets me free. Forgiveness gives you a taste of what it's like to be God. God is happy to forgive. Love forgives, God forgives. He forgives us because it gives Him pleasure to do so. I want to be happy. I want to be freed of the snare of hate. 

3- When you don't forgive your life becomes dark. Forgiveness shines a bright light. A night light in a child's room gives them peace. Forgiveness gives peace. 

4- Forgiveness moves faith forward. I was cruising along, I thought I had my ducks in a row. I thought I had this whole faith thing figured out. I was prepared spiritually. And out of nowhere, WHAM! The car didn't just get a flat, it flipped. When the dust settled, there I was hanging upside down in my vehicle wondering what in the world just happened. Dazed, hurt, suffering. I will thank God that I was prepared spiritually, I had that seat belt on. I was badly hurt, but I was alive. I've been through it, but I am still here. I wondered for a while how am I to repair all of this? How can I get back up there on the road? I didn't know. Eventually, Forgiveness made it clear. Everything came into focus. 

I was able to put myself in a forgiving place and I saw God there beside me upside down too. And it was then I realized, He was in the driver's seat. He held onto me as the car flipped. He protected me from the full impact. He is everything. I was at least wise enough to let Him drive a few years ago. Thank God for that. He gently put it all back together....roadside assistance. He healed the bruises, the brokenness like a paramedic, but greater. 

Forgiveness allows me to see where God is. It reminds me that no, the road is never going to be free of debris, free of wreckless drivers, free of those with road rage. Forgiveness allows me to see that the promise is that He'll stay with me, hold me, take care of me, and help me to move forward again. 

Thank You God for bringing me through this. We have a long way to go, and I'm not perfect. But hey, You know that and me, better than anybody. Thank You God for staying with me. Thank You God for freeing me. Thank You God for delivering me. Thank You God for putting me back on the road and back on the journey. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for Your forgiveness. Thank You God, Thank You, for everything. Thank You God for drawing near. 

Berean Applesauce

I really struggle to read my Bible. Not just on a daily basis, but on a regular basis. You know the kind of reading I mean? The kind where you are reading for yourself the story of God, not just researching for a Bible lesson or a quick scripture reference. I hate to admit this, but sometimes my dear Bible is lost under a pile of dirty clothes or under a stack of books. Even under the books about God by others.

A lot of times it's easier to go on the teachings of our brothers and sisters and their amazing faith than to be in the Word. I don't mean faith by hearing isn't good, but faith built solely on the words of others is hollow. It can be really easy to misunderstand a scripture if you aren't the one reading it and basing your faith solely off of someone else.

Today in church my friend and preacher Papa C talked with me about how important it is to really be reading the full story of God. Read this:
Acts 17:11

Welcome Back!
I love this scripture about the Bereans. It's one that I've heard a bunch, and it's always been a good reminder to read the scriptures. Although, for many years... I would say even up until this morning I had not considered (though it was pretty obvious!) that the Bereans weren't reading the gospels. They weren't reading the account of Jesus. They were looking at Jewish scripture and prophesy. Wow. How important is that knowledge?

It puts into context the entire purpose of the Bible. Old Testament and New Testament are pulled together and you see the whole picture when you realize that the entire Bible is God's love story for us. Without the knowledge of Jews looking at Jewish scripture, you miss the fact that they were seeing how mighty and powerful Jesus was and how God had planned this from the beginning.

Read this:

Ephesians 6:10-17

 I have heard teachers say to me a lot of times, oh Paul was talking about the Roman soldier. He was illustrating his point by describing the armor of a Roman soldier. Actually, no. He wasn't. I know a soldier is a soldier, and maybe that is what some of them were picturing. But more than likely those noble characters were searching these scriptures:

Isaiah 11:5
Isaiah 59:15-17

He was talking about JESUS! He was describing the unquenchable, burning love of our Savior and how mightily HE SAVED! I don't know about you, but reading about Jesus the soldier vs. Roman dude is way more exciting. It puts it all together for me. The greek word used to describe the whole armor is "panoply," like that verse from Soldiers of Christ, Arise, that says "but take to arm you for the fight, the panoply of God."
Papa C looks at me and says, "how many of us sing that song and wonder, what the heck is a panoply?" LOL. Oh my gosh, me! Arm yourself for the fight with the whole armor of God! Prepare your armor with a complete knowledge of scripture... not just to use in everyday life, but to understand how much God loves you.

Sometimes even our Bible teachers, while well intentioned, can confuse us if we don't get in the Word. Obviously my Bible teacher came from a long line of confused because I can remember coloring a picture of a Roman soldier that said "the whole armor of God". lol. She didn't realize where that scripture came from any more than I did.

When you read the Bible, you learn something new every time. Even if what you're learning is that you don't know a lot! But that's ok, God takes you where He wants you, which is right by His side. You could almost say he was dropping bread crumbs for you all along the way through the scriptures. You gotta follow the trail from the beginning. He wants to show you how deeply, longingly, desperately He loves YOU. All of you. Crazy you. Messed up, wonderful you. Just like a soldier He battles for your soul. He will not forsake you. From your first to final breath He pursues you with an unstoppable love.

But don't take my word for it! Read it.

Blind Applesauce.

Thought it was about time to refocus and start something new. So the old blog is gone and this one is just beginning. Eventually I will privatize this one, so let me know your email and schtuff so I can add you to my list. Until then I am going to try and refrain from using anything too personal on here for security and safety reasons!

So what's new?

Well...

I'm goin' blind.

That's right friends. In a year of, what else could possibly go wrong? WHAM! You may add this to my list.

How do I feel about this?

I feel sort of comical about the whole thing. I went in just to get my prescription updated in my glasses and to get a pair of plastic frames that aren't going to bust as easily under the gentle (pshhh) play of a two year old. And maybe to further connect with my inner Tina Fey. So I go in, pass some of the initial tests.... then came the peripheral light test. FAIL. Fail, fail, fail, fail. I thought it hadn't started yet. Odd. Then came the usual puff of air (more like blast of air) test in both eyes, no glaucoma for me! YaY!  Then they took some crazy pictures of my eyeballs. Then I got to read that chart with the letters (which every year gets a little more scary and comical for the nurse who gets to hear me guess letters randomly and ask, is that an ampersand? Is that W moving or is it just me?).

Then I move in to the doctor's exam, He does that flippy little eye contraption ... 1 or 2? Better 1 or 2? 2. Better 1 or 2? 1. etc. And find out my eyesight has worsened significantly in both eyes. Odd. More than just a year's worth of age. Odd, says the doctor. He shows me the line of letters with my current prescription then flips to my new. WHOA. Hey there's the letters! I laugh, not joking. Doctor looks concerned.

Let's dilate your eyes. Ok. 4 stinging drops and 15 minutes later He is holding the light with that little lens thing. And going WEIRD!!!! Not at all what you want to hear. It occurs to me that at my last visit the doctor did mention there was something off in my eyes in the back and to have it followed up on, then I got pregnant and never did.

Well... here it comes...

You have old eyes.

Excuse me?

Old eyes. These are the typical eyes of a 90 year old.

30 minutes of testing later... he thinks I may have macular dystrophy, which causes blindness. He's concerned enough to fax a specialist on a Saturday which makes me gulp a little. Today I went for that follow up, and indeed I am going blind. Wow. A week ago I was just bouncing the idea of going to the doctor for some more sturdy frames and now I find out my vision is going altogether. The specialist poked, prodded, and put 3 sets of drops in each eye (which stung like a mofo!) and shone every imaginable light contraption in there and found significant loss of vision and degeneration on my macula and fovea (your central vision, and the fovea makes things sharp) in both eyes, plus peripheral blindness in the right already and some degeneration of that in the left. Plus I have a groovy degeneration beginning on the part of the eye that recognizes color.

It's really weird to be 26 years old and have a doctor tell you, don't freak out but it's definitely blindness. The extent of which he can't really tell without better equipment and more stinking tests. Fun, fun, fun. So next month I go back for 3 more rounds of tests and to UPH for electrode tests. Yep, they hook electrodes up to my eyes and with the sum of all these things may be able to tell me how fast and how much of my vision I will lose.

Whataweek!

I want answers and at the same time I almost don't!

But no matter what, I know God is with me. Right here. Even when I gotta get electrodes in my eyes.