Tonight I'm laying in bed watching Everybody Loves Raymond in my nice clean room. Everything's been disinfected from our 70th round of illnesses this fall, it smells wonderful and Lysol-ly. Kitchen's clean. Living room's clean. Laundry is half done (this is a big deal as I typically only do a big round of laundry once a month and random loads during the week. I refer to the former task). My children have worn me out this weekend. We kicked things off with a fun IHop breakfast yesterday and went out with a Nick Jr and cereal marathon this evening. We've chased, talked, built a fort of quilts on the bunk bed, did school work, read, laughed, told knock knock jokes, called Daddy every two minutes and dealt with Levi's "eye farmer" growing the crop of corn that looks suspiciously like pink eye to me (round 71 of illness). In between I've cleaned everything and disinfected it all. And somehow, here I lay in bed... nothing to do. Nobody to talk to, as Jon called around 8 my time to say goodnight. Kids are sleeping. Dogs are knocked out on the bed with me. Peace and quiet. Yep.
This sucks. I hate having no one to talk to. No wait. I hate not having my husband to talk to. I did much better last year while he was away, I adjusted. Knowing he will be back in 15 hours makes it harder to be content. I have no one to do our normal do nothing with and he's so close to coming home which makes me feel extra chatty.
This January marks our 9th wedding anniversary. April marks 10 years I've been with the man. Gosh, to be 18 and elope. How crazy. I see 18 year olds now and it makes me laugh, you really know nothing (and I'm sure my Dad looks at me at 27 and thinks the same thing). I don't recommend this to ANYONE. At all. Someone asked my advice as a 18 year old fiancee, thinking I would lend my support to her decision. I think my reaction was, "Listen to your parents, you're too young." But hey at that age, when you make up your mind, no one is going to talk you out of it. Why?
You want what you want when you want it. You are still used to living with your parents and being taken care of which makes you selfish, through no fault of your own. Everyone is at that age. I was. You have made up your mind to be a bride/groom and that's it. That's why any marriage fails I think, selfishness. But that's just my opinion. I was too selfish at 18 to love my husband (boyfriend at the time) enough to walk away. If I had loved him with a selfless love I would have recognized that by marrying him so young I was robbing him of a lot of experiences and practically guaranteeing tough times ahead. If I had loved him selflessly, I would have waited to see where the next few years would take us. But...I was 18, and selfish.
Selfishness is something I continued to struggle with for the next ohhh...4 years or so. Tragically, selfish people don't know they are selfish. They think they are wise and doing what's best for everyone involved and they can tick off twenty reasons why they aren't selfish they're smarter than you. Anyway...for four years I sucked at marriage. For four years I clung to what I like to call "worldview" - worldview tells you to be a strong woman and not let your husband do this that or the other. Worldview tells you to pick every battle. Worldview tells you that everything has to mean something! Worldview tells you that you must form unshakable opinions and change the world!! Worldview tells you there are things called "dealbreakers" in marriage.
Then the rug got pulled out from under me. In a BIG way. I was humbled by God. And I realized that my husband was the only person I had. The end.
Selfless love demands that you put your head down and push on. My 18 year old self was all about "follow your heart!" My 27 year old self knows I may feel one thing one day and another emotion another day. I know my heart only wants to follow what's easiest and makes it happy. But what makes it happy is sometimes extremely harmful to the person I'm married to. So, you need to build your foundation on what God says you need to do. No matter how you're feeling. This has gotten me through the last 5 years with success.
It's been a hard, wonderful, ridiculous, crazy, tons of work 9 years. At 18 I thought, and they lived happily ever after. Today I think... and they lived through it all, failed and succeeded, messed up and made it right, together after.
Let me not sell myself too short. I married a man who possessed qualities that would one day (I'm pretty sure by luck and not by 18 year old wisdom) save me from myself. He and I had growing up to do, but not a ton. We strengthen each other, we learn from each other....and all of that has to do with the fact that we have very similar senses of humor and God. We don't take things too seriously, we're both Pollyanna'd about life (young folks, that's where you can see the good in almost everything), and we never put our marriage out there in that obnoxious sort of way. We have never claimed to know how to make a marriage work because there isn't a formula. There are seasons of our marriage where we frustrate the heck out of each other... but instead of throwing in the towel we push forward.
Nine years later I have this to show for my marriage: two gorgeous, wonderful children who are the stars in my crown... and a man who makes the ordinary sweeter than honey. For nine years I've been by his side, putting away his underwear, cooking him dinner, raising his children, helping him find the car keys I misplaced again, sitting next to him in the church pew, apologizing, laughing and yeah, even arguing. I wouldn't trade a moment of it for the world because each day our relationship ripens a little sweeter on the tree. I love it all, I love the bads and the goods. I love it because it's us.
Worldview tells you to chase perfection and equality in your marriage. Godview has taught me it's ok to fall asleep with your two year old between you and barf on your shirt. Godview has taught me it's ok to be a servant to him and to my family (no guys not like french maid). The most important ministry I will ever pursue is within the walls of my home. My sweet mother in law taught me this.
For thirty one years she was married to the world's most imperfect person. But she loved every second of it. She covered him, she gave everything she had to her family. She didn't have a job with prestige, she wasn't famous, she wasn't wealthy. She was selfless. She gave it all to her family and laid her treasure in heaven. Today there is a legacy in all of us whose lives she touched. I've never been more content as I am today. Knowing that by serving my family and laying my treasures in heaven I am investing in the things that will last.
Thank God he comes home tomorrow.
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