Shadowfeet (dear arizona)

Here I am, sitting on my bed, after a long day of travel and chores. I should be doing the work I need to do before I go. It's easier just to sit here and let the day wash over me and prepare for the rest of the night. Two more Arizona days, and then I'm onto my next mission. Lord, I wonder what this chapter seems like to you as it ends? Did I do enough? Were there too many wasted opportunities? Did I do well?

My time in Arizona is very much transitional. I can see God bringing me from the place where my will was broken to here, where His will began. I see so many mistakes and things that I could have done better and with more grace. I have learned so many things here, it's so hard to leave when I've grown so comfortable here. There are things that I built that I saw crumble away, but not without being taught by the Master, and for that I am thankful. There have been many lessons learned.

I know a lot of my Arizona friends simply don't understand why I'm going. All I can say is that I need to be challenged, and I know in my heart that where I go next will challenge me to become closer to God and a more dutiful servant. I need to be somewhere that will get me to the next level, and to the next, and to the next. I pray that the labor of my hands in a new place will further the Great Commission, and moreover that I be led by the Holy Spirit.

But boy, if it wasn't for Arizona, I could never have been the servant God wants me to be. I healed in this place. I found a task in this place. I found out the meaning behind all the mess. I was picked up and pieced together again! I couldn't have done it without you all. Especially without Cecil Price and his family, and everyone up in the Tucson youth programs that have welcomed me with such open arms.

Each day we get closer and closer to Jesus coming back. What God is doing on this Earth cannot fit neatly into a box or summarized in a neat checklist. It won't look like something that is easily understood. God is moving me creatively forward to continue to do important work, and whatever it is I need to learn about the next step to complete my task on Earth will be waiting in my new home. The work God selects for me, be it scrubbing a toilet or ministering to human souls, will be like a parable to whoever should see it, bringing church to those who couldn't imagine themselves in a church.

When I pray, "here I am, send me..." and get an answer, it should not surprise me. And so I will go. I have complete trust in God that where I am sent will enrich my understanding of servanthood to God, and that He will care for me just as He cares for the sparrows. It doesn't matter, in a way, how much I love Arizona. I feel like I have started to chase my own efforts in ministry here and I am alarmed by this in a way. It's not about being in the place I love and furthering a mission among the found for me. I want to be a vessel for God to use to reach those who have little knowledge of who He really is, just as I once was. I am willing, whatever it takes, to be used by God. I am willing to throw away all that is important, for the sake of the Name and Its glory. Moreover, I deeply desire to belong to a church that will enable me to become a complete vessel and unafraid to utilize me, no matter the task.

I really believe and am convicted that God sees us as such, with no limitations on what any Christian can be used for.

Arizona... I hope you know that without you I wouldn't have been able to continue on. I know that forever we will be tethered to one another. I know that I always have you, and you always have me. You always have my heart and my hands, should you ever need to use them again. God bless each and everyone of you.

I am willing Lord, take me where I need to go.